What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 03:29
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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He knew the spot.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Comes on , in middle age.
But it wasn’t much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My family never makes their pension either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!